Emo Copy, Coach Meatloaf, & The Email That Should’ve Stayed Shut

Welcome back to the Chaos.

Last time, you got a warning.

Coach Meatloaf was coming!

The lights flicker.

The projector hums.

And suddenly…

COACH MEATLOAF BURSTS THROUGH THE SCREEN, DRIPPING SWEAT AND SPIT.

“Welcome to Emotional Copywriting for Unstable Times, maggots!!

If your email doesn’t punch me in the aorta or seduce me mid-squat, DELETE IT.

If it doesn’t make your reader feel something: rage, lust, regret, the urge to text their ex…it belongs in the drafts folder of shame.”

You try to crawl out of your inbox.

Too late.

The screen slams shut behind you.

You’re trapped.

Coach presses play on the VHS.

It’s titled:

He Opened the Email. He Shouldn’t Have. (A Meatloaf Case Study)

Subject line: “This isn’t for you. Unless it is.”

Preview text: “Delete this or regret it. I don’t care anymore.”

The body? A slow-burn voice note typed out.

It started with betrayal.

It ended with a 62% click rate.

Why it worked:

• Emotional asymmetry. Don’t write at your reader. Collapse the fourth wall. Break into their bathroom and whisper your confession while they’re brushing their teeth.

• Line-by-line friction. Every sentence must demand the next. If they can skim it, they will. Write like you’re dodging their thumb.

• One emotion. Dialled to 11. You can’t blend anxiety + sass + gratitude. Pick one. Set it on fire. Torch the subject line, warm the body copy on its ashes.

Coach’s Emotional Copy Framework:

1. Pick a wound – Something raw: shame, grief, rejection, rage.

2. Pour lemon juice on it – Exaggerate the stakes. Make it feel like a final battle.

3. Wrap it in seduction or absurdity – Pull the reader in with intimacy or chaos.

4. End with either a threat or a dare – You’re not asking. You’re challenging.

“I would do anything for clicks,” Coach screams, “BUT I WON’T WRITE ‘JUST CHECKING IN.’”

Intermission: COCAINE NUN’S HORRORSCOPES (Vol. 2)

Channelled in a blackout. Delivered in blood.

Libra - You keep trying to balance value with voice. Stop it. Your audience doesn’t need a seesaw. They need a haunted house. Build one. Let them walk in. Lock the door behind them.

Scorpio - You woke up mad at someone from a dream. Use it. Start your email with vengeance. End it with seduction. This is not a nurture sequence…it’s a hex.

Sagittarius - Your brand guidelines are trembling. Your Canva templates are hiding. Good. That means you’re getting close. Now take a sentence from your Notes app ramblings and build the whole damn email around it. Send it. Smirk.

Capricorn - Your CTA button is depressed. It wants to scream. It wants to be a threat. Make it one. Try: “Click here or rot in algorithm purgatory.” See? Better already.

Aquarius - You called it a newsletter but it reads like an obituary. Where’s the blood? The weirdness? The cult energy?You’re an agent of chaos disguised as a strategist. Act like it. Write something that would scare HR.

Pisces - You cried in the shower again. Perfect. That’s the emotional edge your copy’s been missing. Start with a confession. End with a dare.cSend it like you just quit the client call mid-Zoom.

Closing Words from Coach

“Emotionless copy is copy that forgot it was trying to survive. If it doesn’t make me feel something: fear, joy, horny panic… then guess what? I ain’t clickin’. I ain’t buyin’. I AIN’T EVEN READING.”

“On a long copy night, with my audience on the edge of their seats, I would do anything for clicks… but I won’t write beige.”

The projector smokes.

The VHS tape melts.

You’re back at your desk.

Your cursor blinks.

TL;DR Copywriting Lesson

If your email sounds like you’re trying not to offend anyone, it will land with no one.

Pick a feeling. Set it on fire.

Then point the flames at your reader’s inbox.

P.S. Next time?

We enter the Funnel Forest.

Sage the Cat is already there, lounging in a ring of expired lead magnets.

She says your funnel smells like desperation and drip coffee.

The Alanis Oracle has a mixtape that might save it.

But first: a ritual.

Bring glitter. And your worst CTA.