Sin, Sweat, & Subject Lines: Spamuel’s School Is Now In Session
Welcome to Spamuel L. Flexson’s School of Copywriting.
Yes, it’s real.
Yes, there’s yelling.
No, there are no refunds.
Classroom smells like dry erase marker, crushed Monster cans, and fear.
And on the board?
DEFINE THE PROBLEM.
Underlined 47 times.
Scribbled next to: “They don’t want the product. They want the sin.”
Spamuel’s first lesson?
“You’re not selling software. You’re selling ego. You’re not selling a yoga class. You’re selling wrath control in $90 leggings!”
Because your reader isn’t buying a feature list.
They’re buying relief from envy, escape from sloth, revenge for pride, indulgence for gluttony, validation for lust, protection from wrath, or comfort for greed.
And if your copy doesn’t tap at least one of those nerves?
It’s not selling.
It’s journaling with a price tag.
Let the Oracle Speak.
The Alanis Oracle appears in a fog of sandalwood and marketing regret.
She hums a haunting tune. The light flickers. And then she whispers:
“Isn’t it ironic… to write a call to action and not tempt a single sin?”
You feel shame.
You feel seen.
You feel like maybe you should be charging more.
She disappears in a swirl of glitter and broken A/B tests.
Spamuel’s Sin Mapping Bootcamp
Let’s get your CTA out of the convent and into the chaos.
Gluttony → Sell the indulgence. “This is the cheat day of business tools.”
Lust → Sell the dopamine. “Open rates that make your ex regret everything.”
Greed → Sell the shortcut. “Make more while doing less (because you can).”
Wrath → Sell the revenge arc. “Send this email to your ex-client and cackle.”
Sloth → Sell the ease. “Done-for-you. Stress-proof. Lazy-proof.”
Pride → Sell the identity. “Finally feel like the boss your website says you are.”
Envy → Sell the status. “Your competition’s about to hate read this.”
If your copy doesn’t trigger one of these?
You’ve written a press release for a haunted Roomba.
The Test of Temptation
Before you send that email, run this three line quiz:
What’s the actual pain they’re escaping?
Which sin does my solution whisper to?
Would this make a slightly evil nun smirk?
If yes → Send.
If no → Add glitter. Rewrite. Inject venom.
Inbox Fit Club
This isn’t brand therapy.
This is copywriting exorcism under flickering fluorescent lights.
Write like you’re confronting your sins.
Sell like you’re sweet talking the devil into opening his wallet.
P.S. Next lesson?
Coach Meatloaf bursts through the projector screen to teach Emotional Copywriting for Unstable Times.
There will be screaming.
There will be Meatloaf lyrics.
There will be a case study titled: “He opened the email. He shouldn’t have.”
Bring tissues. Bring garlic.
The trauma bonding begins Wednesday.